Dear Jay,
Um I guess I should have been expecting this. It always happens to me…I guess I’m too broken for you and not worth the effort. That’s cool I’m used to feeling like this and I’ll be okay. i’m being a brat. I need to get my license cause i need to be able to go out whenever I want I don’t like staying home with nothing to do I think to much and thinking is just bad for me. I found my books of poetry from middle school yesterday and I realized that ever since 5th grade I have been chasing and fighting to keep people in my life that don’t even want me there. I didn’t even realize that. I have always been chasing someone. I am dependent upon people to distract me from myself. That’s a sucky realization. And i guess its part of the reason i have abandonment issues but that’s besides the point.
I guess i should thank you. You never really let me get dependent on you I’m only really attached to you right now. Lexi warned me against attachment, she was right I shouldn’t ever depend on anyone but myself. Maybe I’ll learn to stop chasing people now…..
Dear Jay,
So I gave you the link to this and I’m not sure if you’re actually gonna look at but if you do I’m kinda scared. i just looked through this and it’s got some scary thoughts in it but you have to go pretty far back to see it all. And I know you won’t make it that far back ( i could’t even read all the post) but um yea so this doesn’t really let you see everything I struggle with so maybe I’ll just tell you? But that’s so hard for to even think about it right now.
You said that I have my shit together and that I’m on the right path. that is the furthest thing from true. I hate myself. That’s the truth. Everything about myself I hate it and I hate my life and sometimes I really really hate being alive. The thing is I have lived through the worst of it so I know that I can make through whatever else. I have been heartbroken and lost and hated all at once. So now I know that so long as I have one person to lean on I can make it through whatever is thrown at me. And yea sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I get really scary thoughts and sometimes I relapse.
You are probably wondering why I am so fucked up. And I do know that I am fucked but please don’t ever called me fucked up to my face i won’t ever forgive you. The truth is I don’t know why I am the way I am. I have always felt inadequate and I have never ever been good enough for anyone else. Um I guess I should also tell you that I’ve been bullied since 5th grade and that’s when my whole self harm thing started. You kinda know that my brothers are the center of my family…i guess that’s why I love them so much. My parents always paid more attention to my brothers than they did to me. remember when I told you I had to give up a solo so that my brother could go to his basketball game? Well, i was always giving things up so my brother got to do what he wanted and it was because my parents didn’t see my goals as important. I’m convinced on some level that my dad hates me and I’m the biggest disappointment of his life. But I’m probably just being dramatic.
I”m not bitter or angry at least not towards anyone. i love my family and friends. I just have a lot of problems with myself that I will never be able to explain. But I promise that if you have patience with me, if you ask the right question you will learn all of me. You just gotta see me as something important enough to put in the effort to learn.
It’s funny, i really trust you. I have never in my life put so much effort to let someone in. I haven’t really fought so hard to let someone into my life before. The thing is…well I just really want to be someone that you want to keep in your life. I really want you to see something worthwhile in me.I know there is something in me that’s worth keeping I just don’t know how to show you….
Ok I’m gonna stop rambling. I feel stupid and vulnerable and yeahhhhh so I’m just gonna stop…..well I don’t know if you are really gonna read this or if you’ll make it to the end but anyways I love you….I didn’t tell you when we got off the phone last night but I really do love you and that’s the reason why I’m still talking to you. There’s something amazing in you that I just can’t ignore but I know you don’t see it and I want to help you see it….ok yea i’m done for real now. Love you <3
So I don’t really know what I want to say. i’ve felt really incredibly lost lately. And I’m kinda unstable right now and the only reason I’m doing ok is cause I’m home with my family and with the distraction of doing whatever I want but I’m scared of what’s gonna happen when I’m alone. I want so desperately to be ok but i always feel like I will never ever be enough not for anyone. I’m losing Lexi again. Her friendship is part of what has kept me from relapsing lately (her and jay have been keeping me pretty stable) but with Lexi disappearing on me and Jay obviously in love with her girlfriend and not wanting me I don’t know I feel lonely and I hate feeling lonely.
The scary part is that I’m not used to being alone. I have been talking to people non stop for a year now. i don’t know what its like to not be wanted. But I don’t want to be that broken girl depending on other people to make me feel like I’m worth something. I don’t even know what I want anymore. There is no person that is capable of making me feel wanted anymore and while I used to be so stable and safe around some people I don’t think people can do that. Or maybe they can and i’m just not talking to the right person.
I’m scared because as much as I hate to admitted I have very strong feelings and now i feel very unwanted and I hate that feeling .
